i wish i could do something more

** pre-script to this post - i do apologize if this seems disjointed at all...it has actually taken me three separate sittings to finish this because of things that have popped up, thus introducing three different mindsets and groupings of random thoughts floating around each time. i think that my original purpose was to express the frustration i sometimes feel when i see people who are struggling and i want to help but don't know how. i also wanted to address how feeling for people and having a heart sometimes does leave you vulnerable and does allow for pain to be felt, but i think it's worth it. that being said, here's how the post actually goes...:) **

these last couple weeks have been so busy!! unfortunately that means less time for blogging. i have thought often of things about which i would like to write, however, and so here is one of them. there are two interactions i've had with different people in the last couple weeks that are semi-related in that the person initially was a stranger to me, yet upon hearing their story, my heart really went out to each of them. sadly both situations were such that i couldn't do much to help them. geez, seems like more often than not that's how it goes!

i met the first lady when i went in for a haircut and she introduced herself as the person who was to be cutting my hair. this hair-cutter and hair-cuttee situation is always pretty funny to me. i mean you try to strike up a conversation with a person that you hardly even look directly at - your head is tilted up towards the ceiling as she stands behind you and washes your hair. then you go back to her station and you talk to her in the mirror because she is again standing behind you. hahaha. oh well, so it is :)

at some point during my haircut i noticed the framed picture of her two kids sitting by the mirror. i had already mentioned that i was a newlywed and so i asked her if she was married. the wording of her response struck me as a bit interesting when she said with a hint of surprise, "well, yes. i actually am married." i asked a few questions about her husband and, while she always did respond to my queries, it seemed like she was just giving the basic answers and not elaborating on anything. finally i asked one question to which she decided to open up, and i found out that her husband had previously been seriously injured at work (he worked in construction) and actually now lives in a group home leaving her to raise their two children all alone. i felt so sad when she told me that! she was probably in her late 20s or maybe early 30s...i can't imagine how difficult that would be. i wasn't really sure what to say to convey that my heart was hurting for her, and truthfully i don't know that she wanted or expected that really. i mean i was a stranger to her and how many strangers really take the time to think about it and care in such a situation instead of just uttering the obligatory "i'm sorry to hear that" in response? i don't mean to take a negative view on this, because i actually do believe that at least some people care, but i wonder if that's how she might've looked at it. she hastily changed the subject and finished my haircut, but afterwards i just really wanted to give her a hug...i didn't, but i wanted to. instead i gave her twice the tip i would normally give and i've thought alot about her and even prayed for her since. i guess praying for someone is doing something. i mean, i don't guess, i KNOW it is, but still. i wish i could do something more hands on for her! maybe go babysit her kids or find a cure for her husband...sigh. anyway, there's story number one.

the second interaction occurred when i was at work - telling people stuff about their money at the bank...or tellering...or whatever the verb would be :) a girl came in with a question on her account - apparently it was overdrawn by several hundred dollars and she was unsure about what was going on. unfortunately, it turned out that her direct deposit advance from the prior month had come due and the bank had debited her account for that money. i showed her on my screen what was going on and i could see that as she began to explain her situation she started to choke up. "i lost my job in january and i don't have any steady income right now. i can't pay that money back right now - i was expecting more time before it was due. on top of that i just found out that i'm going to be a mom...i don't know what to do..." that's when the tears started to fall. man! i wanted there not to be a counter between us at that moment because, again, i just wanted to give her a hug and tell her that we could work something out with her to pay the money back later or in smaller increments or something...unfortunately i do not have the authority to do that. in fact i didn't have the authority to do anything to help that girl from a banking standpoint. all i could think to do was grab her the tissue box and talk to her about her baby that's on the way. a banker came over to us and gave her a number she could call to try to work something out, but he did voice his doubt that anything would be able to be done. boo! not cool.

i know some people would say that having a heart and showing mercy to people puts you in a place to be taken advantage of - i do understand this to a degree at least in the latter case. i mean, if wells fargo was in the habit of making special exceptions for everyone in tough situations then they could really get taken advantage of and lose a great deal of money. i'm just glad that i am not a big corporation because that means that i get to choose to have a heart and to love people and do whatever i can to help them even if it is just saying a prayer! :) maybe that means that i will or have been taken advantage of before, but i just cannot imagine a life without compassion and caring and making an effort to help others. i suppose what i have done is try to learn and gauge how much to get involved in certain circumstances :) it is hard to not be able to help other people sometimes, but it is even harder when you do too much and end up making things difficult for yourself. i suppose it's best sometimes to leave it in the hands of our loving Heavenly Father who knows exactly what needs to be done or not done. sometimes we do get to play a larger part, but i've had to learn that i can't change everything and sometimes the only role i should play is that of pray-er.

well this blog wasn't originally intended to be a reflection on a lesson i've learned about life over time, but it kind of turned into that :) all of that aside though, i choose to love people! and i choose to care! and i am very happy with that choice because it means that i am being me :)